Escaping

What was I running from?
Why was I poisoning my soul?
What was I going to gain?
What kind of father was I?
All these questions I ask myself when I wake up in cold sweats at night. I have bad dreams, but they aren't dreams anymore they are memories. Memories of heroin, cocaine and alcohol. My 3 vices. I would turn to these, mostly heroin when I felt a certain way. I can't explain what I felt to make me start using. My problems never went away either. They just got worse. I still would play with my boys, even on heroin.. Because I could, but half the time I would just nod off for what seemed hours, but was seconds. I would come to with Mikey pinching my cheek. "Daddy, Daddy..I said look at me". I would give him a little smile and wink with my half open eyelid.
I ripped off my kids. I ripped of their memories. They should off had different memories of that time playing. I can only hope they don't remember...
Never shot up. I found that disgusting.. Imagine that (disgusting...Me). I would sit down with my acoustic sometimes and took a couple sniffs. Thinking it would help my creative juices. Bullshit. The only creative juices were the ones dripping on the strings from my already red nostrils. I joke about it to myself now sometimes, just so I don't cry. I don't mind what I did to myself, but what I did to my children. They deserve more than these memories.
Economically I took care of the family. Making 180,000.00 per year with no college I thought was doing good. Anytime they needed something I got it done. I gave them the best of everything...Except myself.
I will sit down with the boys and explain myself to them, so I can guide them in the right direction of life. I worry about them more and more now. Maybe because Im getting older. Or maybe because I hope they don't grow up to be like I was.
I think I used the drugs to escape. Escape myself. I kept looking in the mirror and I kept seeing my father(the biological one). The one who left us when I was 3, Gina 2, and Kathy 4. I've been trying so hard not to become him. But everytime I looked in the mirror, there he was.
Sounds like a good song, not this one.. I remember hearing the song "Father of Mine". Heard it once then every time after that I would hit the power button to turn it off. I think I've been trying to escape my whole life. Escape what????
I need to make sure I am ok so I can do my "JOB" and take care of my loved ones who count on me. That's what I'm doing. My life now couldn't be better. Well it could be a little better. I have a great family, who returns the love and affection I give them. I have great friends on the Blogsites that make me feel good when we write back and forth. My health is good.
So what am I trying to escape from?..... The itch...The little voice...The craving... The wonder if..
It's a long road and everyday is a test of strength. That's why I keep playing, recording and listening to music. Thanks Pete, for making words and music I can escape to now. I'm not saying Pete Townshend saves my life. His words and music put me in a zone where I feel happy and can focus on what is really important...ME.